I realized I needed to lose weight a couple about 3 years ago after my ex and I broke up. I was 17 years old just graduated High School heading to college. I had just started making jewelry. I was 240 lbs at the time. It was a hot summer around August and my aunt, Aunt Shia, from Florida came upstate to visit. She’s like the odd one in the family because my great grandmother adopted her and no one knows for sure if she’s even my grandpa’s daughter yet no one has taken steps to find out. So there is a lot of drama and animosity surrounding her, especially when she visits. I really don’t have any problems with her except the fact that she uses money to stay in touch now that my grandfather and great grandmother has passed.
We met with her at the hotel she was staying at around 9pm. I had on a brand new dress brand new from Indonesia. It was brown, flowed in the wind and I received so many compliments on it. I felt so confident. I had on a wig that I just thought I was ALL THAT in (I don’t wear wigs anymore). I was just confident and happy. I also distinctively remember seeing my other aunt, Aunt R, and complimenting her because she had lost weight. She was wearing some pretty blue jeans and these gorgeous star or feather earrings with rhinestones down them.
Aunt Shia, rounded us up (my family) to take a photo so she could take it back to Florida and show the others that couldn’t make it. We stood by the hotel stairs and since I’m short I sat down on the stairs. So she snapped a couple of photos of us and of course I wanted to see. So she zooms in on me on her camera and I saw myself for the first time. I was taken back because…I didn’t know I looked the way I looked. I looked at myself in the mirror all the time but I didn’t know how people perceived me or perhaps how I would perceive myself. I thought I looked good, that I didn’t look fat, big or out of shape at all. In that photo I literally looked like a black Buddha statue in a blonde/brown wig with a bang and a light brown dress on, sitting on the steps all scrunched up. Not to mention I had red eye in the photo.
I remember thinking,”Wow this is the photo she’s going to take to Florida and show everyone. Everyone there is going to know I am fat and how much weight I gained. This is the image of myself that they’re left with.” I was devastated.
After that night my confidence about myself and my body it just went right out the door. I wasn’t who I thought I was and I felt like I had been lying to myself.
I hadn’t realized until today that my confidence is a problem. Since this incident, my weight gain and breaking up with my ex. I do put myself down a lot. I never think what I’ve done is good enough. I never tell myself I did a good job even when I know I did. I never treat myself right unless I think its “the right thing to do”. When I go out I don’t look to attract anyone in anyway because I don’t think they’d find me appealing. I automatically assume people are thinking negative of me especially people of the same race. I care about what others think besides myself. I take what others say about me to heart.
I MISS the old confident me. The one that could take criticism. The one that knew she was sexy no matter what anyone said.
Today I am going to start working on myself. I can’t treat others right when I don’t even treat myself right. So I’ll start with a self love list. The things I love about myself…for tomorrow’s post.