I have not started the “No Soda, No Juice & No Candy” Challenge. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I’ve been struggling within these past few months. There’s a lot going on and I don’t know where to start so I am just going to lay it ALL on here right now. I apologize in advance if some of it sounds disorganized. My emotions are just all over the place.
I really have been feeling like I have no control over my life and I’m literally all over the place.
What really brought upon this feeling is the fact that I am literally raising my niece. A few weeks ago her mother basically said to me since I am home all the time I am obligated to take care of her child. That struck a core in a me and I was ready to do some physical damage once she said that. Some people don’t have a problem with taking care of their family members but I do especially if the person I am doing the service for doesn’t appreciate it. I am 21 years old, I’m single and I don’t have kids. I don’t live my life to take care of someone elses child whether its family or not. If I wanted to raise a child and take care of it I would have gotten pregnant a long time ago but I didn’t and I think that speaks volumes. The only reason I take care of her child is because I know that if I don’t then she wont and its not the baby’s fault that she has a selfish mother. Also my mom pushes me to do so..which brings me to another topic.
Which brings me to another thing. I’ve realized that I have allowed my mother to hold me back from so many opportunities in my life. I’ve passed up jobs, I’ve passed up being able to have a social life, tutoring when I was in college…the list goes on.Its been like this all my life. I was just thinking the other day back to my high school days, out of all the friends I ever had I only went to one of their houses once under my parent supervision and that was my senior year. I never hung out with anyone after school or anything. I felt like I had to sneak around if I really wanted to do something and I did. I’ve told lie after lie in fear of what my mom had to say and I’m not even a liar. I hate lying and try to avoid it. I just left my life in someone else hands and now I am realizing how foolish it was to let her do that. You can not take someone’s life and try to control their every move even if they’re your child. All your doing is hindering them just because you’re afraid of this and that or because you don’t want to do something. I haven’t even lived my life. I don’t know the world and now I don’t know if I ever will.
Most of my days go like this: Wake up, clean, computer time, baby sit until my sister comes to get her baby (which can be from 8am to 9pm) and then I spend the rest of my day surfing online. I don’t have a car. I don’t have money to go back to school. I’m dependent on my mother right now. I’m having a very tough time getting a job, no one will calls me back..ever. I even went to a temp agency and still NO JOBS. I’m not sure why no one wants to give me a chance I am a dedicated, trustworthy, hard worker when it comes to jobs. I take it very seriously and thats what hurts the most, no one wants to see my potential for some reason… have no life. I have no source of income. I haven’t done anything worth..meaning.
I’m also very worried about my health right now. I have been having some serious pain where my ovaries are located. In the past I have had problems like I had a cyst explode in my stomach when I was younger from my menstruation. It was very painful. Then years later after my weight gain I started having irregular periods, like I would go 2 or 3 months without having my period then when it finally came on it lasted for about a month. After going to the doctor about 5 times I finally found out that I had cyst on my ovaries that caused the irregular periods. Nothing was ever done. I was just prescribed birth control to regulate my periods. Fast forward to now, I’ve been having major pain in that area.
Last night I was watching different shows and movies like Mommy Dearest, Atlanta Housewives and some random HBO movie. One thing theyy all had in common, every woman had a problem with their lady parts. Whether it was a tumor in the ovaries, a thermoid or cyst. So I said to myself,”Im going to call the doctors as soon as possible because I have a feeling that this is more serious than what I think it is”. So tomorrow I am going to go to the doctor and ask that I be sent to a lab for testing because I want to make sure…this isn’t something where I have to have surgery and I don’t want to get the “run around”. My doctors office is good for that. When I found I had cyst on my ovaries prior to that the nurses kept telling me,”Oh its normal” or “Oh just take some pain pills” until I pushed for them to actually do something.
So right now that’s worrying me. If I do end up having to have surgery or some type of procedure…I wouldn’t mind, I’d just hope it wouldn’t affect me having kids. For some odd reason, even when I was younger I never felt like I would ever be “capable” of having children. Isn’t that odd? Something that a child would think at such a young age?
I also have been really yearning along with all for is someone to just connect with. I’m not talking about relationship wise. I just mean a friend or someone that will listen to what I have to say, actually care and support me. Not just sit there and listen as if its nothing or to try and give me advice because thats not what I want. For some reason I can’t find that. There are people that will listen to me but to “connect” is the challenge. Maybe what I am looking for is within myself or not out there yet.
A few weeks ago I posted on fb saying,”People just do not know how lucky they are to have someone to talk to that actually cares or listens to what they have to say.” One of my friends commented saying,”We all have Jesus so I guess we’re all lucky.’ Even though he was being a smart ass he did have a point. I could always talk to Jesus with my problems and I will but for now; I will just pray that things will get better.
After reading and summarizing this I see now why I am having a hard time taking the road back to healthy and taking care of my body including my hair its because…I’M STRESSED. I wasn’t stressed like this before. I was truly happy. I need direction. Point me somewhere beneficial! Lol. I don’t have people around me that actually “push” for change. They’re okay with where they’re at. So I don’t know what…wanting more and achieving it looks like outside of fairy tales or behind the scenes. I feel like I have to and I need to pave the way some how and do something different whether it be through health, education or having a stable relationship. Take control. I just DO NOT KNOW! Lol. All I know is I don’t want to keep having this feeling where I feel as though, this is the extent of my life. This is as far as I go. I know I’m capable of more.
So tonight I’m giving myself a protein treatment and deep conditioner. Then I’m going to clean up. Pray before bed and see how everything goes at the doctors office tomorrow.