Past Relationship & Confessions…Lets Talk About It: Lies, Sex, Secrets & Trust (Part 2)

Adults Only.kissing in the rain

The last time I saw my ex, Jake before we broke up was at his party for “graduation” (really for his GED) with his family. When I arrived there I was completely overwhelmed. I was expecting it to be like 10 or 5 people…there were about 40 or 50 people there and it was all of his family. They had come from different states just to be there and they were all spanish. I have spanish friends and I have hung around some of his family but not that many at the same time. Also I have a hard time being around a lot of people so my anxiety was sky high and I was already nervous about it before I came.

As I’m getting out of the car he walks up to me and greets me with this casual hi, no kiss, no hug as if I am a buddy. So I said,”Okay lets get this over with”. The day before I had went shopping and bought a new outfit toward the party to wear. I had spent the last of my money trying to get him a new gift for his party but I ended up not bringing what I had bought for him, just a card. Not to mention I was rocking my “Chakkakahn” hairstyle. So I imagine, to them, I must of looked crazy.

He walks me to the party and introduces me to his cousins and friends that were in the front of his house. They weren’t too friendly and one of his cousins whom I thought had dropped one of their items actually threw it at me along with some spit (I didn’t find that out until Jake told me at the end of the party).

After we finished with them we walked to the back of the house where the rest of his family is just relaxing and his uncle was grilling. Immediately when I come in contact with his uncle he says to me,”Where the hell have you been? You never come see us or nothing. Don’t play that bullsht with me.” I’m not gonna lie he scared me lol. I’ve seen his uncle before but I didn’t know him for him to talk to me like that. After that I knew Jake had been talking to his family about me and not in a positive way. That explained all the stares and evil glares I was getting. I know he didn’t talk to “everyone” at the party about me but I could tell even some of his close relatives were uncomfortable with me being there. Imagine being surrounded by people that don’t want you in their presence.

His other uncle, who was the nicest person to me at the party and tried to make me feel better and welcomed (bless his heart) talked to me in and out of the party. Throughout the party, I basically was following Jake everywhere like a dog tagging along. His family was giving him all types of errands to do like,”Get me a cup”, “Jake, can you go get me a fan” “Jake go check on your cousin”. I remember at one point we were inside his fam’s house and finally alone, I was expecting a kiss or to talk but he did nothing, he just kept trying to finish his errands and what not. By the end of the night, my ass was sweating from all that moving. I mean he never stopped. I remember telling him I was tired and he responded by saying something along the lines “That’s because you’re not active”. He didn’t say it like a general conversation, he said it as if he hated that about me. I know hate is a strong word but that’s exactly how he said it. Like someone grinding their teeth as they talk about something they hate.

Skimming through, I stayed there for a few hours. The whole time I kept thinking to myself,”You can’t leave Jazz…just stick it through even if you don’t want to, you’re not a quitter”. We took a photo together and it felt so awkward like I wasn’t suppose to be there. It was more awkward when his fam forced him to open up my card in front of everyone. I mean there was nothing special about it. I didn’t put money in it. I just said I’m proud of him and I love him. After that they were just like,”Oh”.

When got to the end of the party and had a drink which was..my first and last, it was disgusting and burned my throat for days. His fam started dancing. I’m not a dancer and I really don’t like spanish music. I expressed that to him many times in the past and I think that made him a little uncomfortable and angry at me because he looooved dancing. In the past, he would ask me if I would learn how to dance, etc but at the time I wasn’t open to it and I didn’t feel comfortable enough to dance around him. So instead of asking me if I wanted to dance he just started dancing with one of his cousins or aunts..I forgot. So I stood their watching him and his nice uncle came up to me and tried to help me dance. He was so nice to me. The way he taught me it seemed easy and I was interested in it after that. Whenever Jake taught me it was always rushed but his uncle took his time with me and although he made a strong effort to make me feel comfortable it really didn’t cover up the anxiety and embarrassment I felt.

The party began to die down. We went to the front of the house and started to talk about “us”. We weren’t really alone his family was around so it made it awkward. I couldn’t say what I wanted to say to him but I do remember him patting me on the shoulder like I was a pal and I knew from that moment everything I had been thinking was going on, was spot on. (A few months later he confirmed it.) I forgot everything he said to me, I think I was lost by then. I did get the small words he said he wanted a break from our relationship because he has too much going on with his family. I told him he wasn’t getting a break; either we stay together its over between us. We barely saw eachother so it wasn’t like I was smothering him and we barely talked so there was nothing he needed a break from. So I left single.

Afterwards I started having serious problems with anxiety. He was the only person I had to talk to at the time and that was close to me. I told him that I was having problems with anxiety he said,”Whose problem is that?” Like he didn’t care. It was crazy. He went from being this “I love you so much and I care about you, I’d die without you” to being this guy who could give two shits if I even dropped dead. I think thats what bothered me the most. That I let myself go and I gave myself to this person who cares more about the people around him than the people “with” him. It hurt bad. All I kept thinking was,”Why didn’t I just because we got this serious?”

I’m not going to say I deserved the treatment that Jake and his family gave me although for a long time I felt that. But at that time in our relationship I was truly trying to change and trying to be a good girlfriend. The lies had stopped, I tried to be completely honest with him but its hard when you’re with someone that refuses to except a lot of what you have to say. I did try. But my lies in the beginning of the relationship definitely caught up with me and being treated like shit for a day, does it make up for it? I’m not sure but we both played a part in it. He let me know later on that he was intentionally trying to make me pay and feel bad. For what specifically, I’m not sure.

Last year we did meet up and decided to get back together. It was a thing of the moment, I was feeling some type of way, he was being nice and telling me how he changed and learned and even though half the shit he was telling me that he “learned” was shit that I realized the week we broke up which was over a year ago. I still said yes to getting back together. it only lasted for 3 or 5 days. I would text him and he would reply hours late. He asked me to the movies but I had to decline because I didn’t have money on me at the time and I had work plus he wasn’t paying my way…what the fuck is that? When we were together in the past I paid his way to just about everything we went to. I know, stupid on my part but I’m not a greedy person. Money doesn’t mean anything to me its just the thought that counts and he…had NO thought what so ever.

It was during the hurricane that came to NYC. I had lost his number when cleaning my and the whole time the hurricane was active he never once called or texted me to see if I was okay or say hi. Then when I finally did get in contact with him by looking at my phone bill he told me he thinks we were moving too fast. You’re moving too fast with a person you barely tried to contact. So I said to myself, “You know what? Fuck him.” and I told him I was tired of games. He did contact me on Facebook a couple of times after that but that was that between us, for me. I can’t have that type of weight in my life.

Looking back at it now I can honestly say, I don’t know him and I never did. I always had that lingering feeling that I was dating a stranger. But its all good now, I still have love for him, he’s human and so am I. I still think about him because he is my first experience with love and a lot of other things. But in no way shape or form will I ever get back with him or someone like him.

He taught me a lot without opening his mouth. I learned four…five important thing; #1, love does exist and how you discover love may not be as pleasant as you picture but the point is love has revealed itself to you. #2, how to be happy on my own. #3, how to love myself as I am and not for what people expect of me. #4, I learned you should never rely on someone to be your source of joy because when they leave, it will lead to heartache and pain just for the simple fact that you don’t know what happiness is on your own. That’s why I say, keep yourself happy before you go trying to make others happy. #5, the most important of them all: If you are not happy, if you do not want to be with someone don’t stay out of pity, don’t stay “just because you can stay” and don’t make excuses because if you don’t leave then when you’re feeling that way then it will eventually catch up to you and hurt 10x more than it would have if you would of initially left. That’s something a lot of people don’t learn until they go through it.

So hopefully someone learns from me…just be honest with yourself and your other half because in the end, the truth will set you free and when you’re honest, there is nothing to hide from.

Love,

Jazzie

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