Past Relationship & Confessions…Lets Talk About It: Lies, Sex, Secrets & Trust

This is a topic I like to talk about not because I am not over my ex but because after we broke up I learned so much. It was like interracial relationshipopening a book and learning along with a lot of realizations. With that, this post is just an open letter to me and yes there will be some inappropriate things in here 😉 Adults only.

I think my past relationship is an example of how lies and moving too fast will eventually catch up to you:

I was 16. I had popularity, cool friends, a nice body, money, good grades and guys hitting on me left and right. Around the time I had decided to date my ex (we’ll call him Jake) I was going through a lot of transitions. I had just gotten my very first cellphone, I had gotten my braces taken off and I was talking to a guy that lived near me which was different for me because I never spoke with guys that I knew personally outside the internet.

Jake and I began texting regularly. After a while he began to ask me when we were going to hang out.  To me I thought that was odd because the only places I went was home & to school. I never went out especially with friends. So after pushing him off a bit I decided to skip school for a day and hang out with him. We hung at McDonalds & Arby’s. I’m not sure what I saw in him but I think it was mainly because he had been telling me how his ex had hurt him, etc. The healer in me wanted to comfort him and make him see that he could be treated better. By the end of that day we were dating. He’s puerto rican, I’m black.

We would see each other practically everyday. Soon I discovered a few things about him: 1.) he had a bad reputation around school 2.) he had fallen for me pretty hard  3.) he was a rusher 4.) Not many of my friends approved of him. I should have definitely gotten to know him better. But even in the mist of that, I had my first sexual experiences after a month of being together. BUT since I was such a liar, he never knew that.

I had a thing for telling lies and the crazy thing about it was, I would lie to the point where I believed my own lies. It had all started in 5th or 6th grade, I had started lying about having a boyfriend and it worked its way all the way up to high school to the point where I incorporated having sex with that fake boyfriend. So I had everyone thinking that I wasn’t a virgin even myself when indeed…I was. So I actually lost my virginity at 16 but since I believed my own lie, I never realized this until a year after we broke up and a doctor asked me when I lost my virginity. I knew a lot about sex because I read books, I was constantly on the internet and I watched porn. So it was easy to say I had sex and then back it up with proof and facts.

After a few months of us dating he really began to get on my nerves. He was annoying and needy. Every time I saw him at school he would be all over me hovering over me, talking me to death. To be quite honest, it was perfectly fine. I just wasn’t use  to being in a relationship so I didn’t really know or appreciate small things like that. Anyway after being so annoyed with him I’d make up more lies about my imaginary ex like I remember telling him once that he was a body builder lol. Then I tried to break up with him and he automatically hit me with this pity story that he didn’t want me to leave. So I stayed mainly out of feeling bad for him. Sigh…High School love, right?

After a while I started making really bad choices towards school…and my health. I would skip school every other day just to hang out with him. I’d miss classes. Not to mention I was eating McDonalds just about everday of the school week.

In the mist of all that I actually started to have some deep feelings for him. Before I knew it we had been together for about 6 or 7 months. We had been playing online games together when we were apart because he had stopped texting me regularly and I wanted to know what he was doing instead of texting me.. So we had friends online and offline.

I remember once we were on msn and we started talking and he admitted to me that he thought he might be gay. I flipped on him. I couldn’t believe that crap and after that everything seemed to seriously change. When Christmas came around we broke up and I forgot why but we just…did. It was around the time Myspace was popular. When we broke up I was talking to a guy from our school for comfort. We were only apart for a few days but it felt like forever to me. In between us breaking up my friends had started asking me questions about him. He had on his facebook page that he was bisexual so I got pissed and told the whole school. I shouldn’t have done that, it was mean and cruel. I actually ended up looking like an idiot.

But he forgave me and we got back together. Things had really changed though. He had some problems at home and he was never really into school. So he eventually dropped out and I was on my own at school. Not to mention I had put on some weight. By the time I was 17 I went from weight 160 lbs to 210 lbs. He gained weight too but not as much as me.

Him leaving school really put a strain on our relationship because we barely saw eachother. We would only see each other on weekends and most of the time he had to sneak to my house to see me. He hated it but it was the only way for me. He always tried to push me to tell my mom but I was too scared and my mom was verbally abusive. She’d attack me everyday whenever I came home from school. My mom didn’t want me dating at the time. It wasn’t until after prom that I told my mom we were dating and then we were openly dating in front of family and friends. It became seriously harder after that. Neither one of us had our drivers license so my mom had to take me everywhere and I had to fight with her all the time just to see him.

Fastforward, he went on to get his ged and I began to attend college. We had been together for over 2 years but things really started to water down. He seemed jealous that I was in college and things were  going well for me while he and his family suffered financially. We stopped talking, texting, I wouldn’t see him for a while. I would try to talk to him but he never told me anything and when we did talk it would be “okay”.

Near the end of our relationship the script had really flipped. I was trying everything to..get us back on track but it wasn’t working. We had a really nasty break up.

His family was throwing him a graduation party for getting his ged. The day before the party he texted me and told me he didn’t want me to come. Prior to that he had told me he took a girl to his familys party the week before. Me being the person that I am didn’t think anything of it. I thought he was faithful, etc. Until he told me he didn’t want me to come…the not talking to me and the girl clicked together. He was ready to move on but he didn’t have the balls to basically say it. So I told him that I would come to the party. If I could change anything in my life it would be to not go to that party. That party was the worst experience I have EVER had in my life.

To be continued…

-Jazzie

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